Since I’m “the Sex at Dawn guy,” people often assume I’m an expert on non-traditional relationship dynamics. Whether that’s true or not, my friends will tell you that I’m entirely capable of casually tossing an anecdote about primate penis morphology into any conversation — often with devastatingly awkward results. In any case, given the rapidly increasing popularity of what people are calling “ethical non-monogamy,” (ENM), I thought I’d share a few thoughts about mistakes I see people making in this area. So here’s a partial list of what, in my opinion, ENM is not:
Thank you for this! I loved, loved your book and told everyone about it, and I 100% agree with what you said there. I also didn't take it to mean everyone should suddenly go out and be non-monogamous. For me, that arrangement would work better in a culture that was set up quite differently from ours. As it is, I can barely handle one person, and at the age of 62 I'm not really up for seeking out anything else (though I had varied experiences when I was younger, so that helps). At the same time, if others want to, great! As long as everyone is honest and consenting. I just think non-monogamy would, in general, work better if we lived in some of the cultures you described that are better set up for it. Honestly, so much about the way we live is unnatural, and being monogamous is just part of that. For one thing, we're meant to have much more community than most of us have in modern American culture.
"No relationship configuration is inherently better than any other"
What about from the perspective of the child? Is it better to have one man who believes he's your dad, or six men who think they might be? Is paternal certainty harmful for kids? Does monogamy make paternal certainty more likely? Surely yes.
Did the combined families/finances thing for a year. The remarks about needed communications increases are spot on, as are the rest. The other guy went crazy due to mom issues. The five of us split for Buffalo. Community is difficult.
I agree with Chris' point that non-monogamy shouldn't be preached in an unsolicited way and shouldn't be used as an excuse for unethical and de-humanizing behaviors but I think he goes too far in implying that monogamy is just as valid as polygamy.
First of all, whatever unethical stances and problems happen in the poly community pale in comparison to the abuse and toxicity typical of monogamous relationships. We shouldn't be forgetting that femicides almost always occur in the context of monogamous relationships and monogamous values. Is this undeniable connection an accident? Hardly.
Monogamy as it really exists (not in its idealized unicorn version that people like marriage coaches and the Gottmans are trying to sell) is seriously harmful and degrading for all sexes on many levels and we should stop mincing words when it comes to defending polyamory.
No, monogamy is by no means just as valid as non-monogamy. Polyamory is inherently superior to monogamy because it's what natural selection designed our psychology and physiology for. Hence, it is hands-down the mating pattern most conducive to individual human happiness and flourishing. The reason most people prefer monogamy is because they've been socialized to prefer it by our culture. Most of our preferences have cultural origins and our mating patterns are no exception.
Likewise, living in a society that's more egalitarian is inherently superior to living in a society that's less egalitarian because humans tend to flourish better in a social environment that prioritizes their care and support. The reason most people still reject egalitarian values is because they have been socialized to think and behave in ways that reinforce the existing power and property relations.
It isn’t a “dysfunction”. This is obviously directed to the crowd who is not ENM, but I think an important note. There is not something wrong with me, my non-monogamy isn’t a response to my childhood, etc. - it is a very conscious decision requiring me to be conscientious about my partners, and while I do know many ENM people that have struggled with relationships, it is the same way monogamous people struggle: our own internal bullshit butting up against other people’s internal bullshit. There is no dysfunction associated with non-monogamy as a chosen relationship style, in itself.
It is also not a panacea to other things that we need to work personally on regarding relationships and mental health at large. As Chris mentioned, it does not “fix” anything about a relationship that is struggling for any number of reasons. It also is not the key/answer if you are struggling to find a relationship as an individual, and seeking the key to success. It’s an option. And it’s an opportunity to discover things about yourself, but not THE answer to other things in life. You are not more evolved if you are in the ENM lifestyle, as Chris said, and it will not in itself cause you to be more enlightened any more than a week at a monastery. It’s just one more option, one more experience, one more way of being.
Also, it’s something to be clear about from the get, with any potential romantic partner, even if you yourself are not sure about where you stand with it. Especially if you aren’t sure, actually. The reason for this is because clarity and honesty is the only frame that we should operate from, both from a conscientious perspective to others, as well as for our own good. If you think you might be into non-monogamy, be up front with your potential long-term love interests. Even if they decline to continue, it’s the right thing in the long run, for both of you.
Hi Chris, can you speak on how people in open relationships can deepen intimacy between themselves and their partners? I’m in a long term relationship and recently started seeing someone else. I want to continue getting closer to my long term partner. We agree to tell each other the truth as far as we can see it and don’t have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy.
I need to print out this list, roll it up, and whack alot of people over the head with it!
I've literally chosen monogamy due to issues within the seattle "poly" scene....it's so frustratingly unhealthy & I just couldn't anymore. Unfortunately, this choice stifles my own needs and monogamous guys usually have very little understanding (despite any efforts) of what it truly means to be poly, so I keep it to myself & my little poly heart just cries on the inside. -sigh-
THANK YOU for this. I have been that very unicorn caught in the middle deceitful couples. I have witnessed many dysfunctional relationships implode upon themselves, when they tried to save it with swinging. I have also been subject (notice how I did not use the word 'victim') to a great deal of sexual harassment in the world of non-monogamy. Many people who enter the "Lifestyle", as it's often called, turn out to either sexual predators, or just selfish people (mostly men) who want to have their cake and eat it too, along with everyone elses', without permission or consequence.
Despite all this, I do not frown on non-monogamy. When there is honesty, respect, and mutual consent, it's wonderful. My initial experiences were beyond liberating. However, when I began to experience more uncomfortable encounters, harassment, aggression, and outright sexual assault (from both men AND women) I had to get away. I was traumatized by it. And my leaving that world cost me virtually every friendship that I had cultivated within it. When I stopped attending swinger parties and events, people stopped calling. Some friends.
But, as an old Joan Jett song goes, "You don't lose when you lose fake friends"
Props to those who can live in healthy non monogamy.
Loved to see “orgiastic hedonism” as a possible way to arrange relationships promote growth, respect and dignity for everyone involved (albeit not superior to any). Jokes apart.. I hope it wasn’t a hyperbole! Is it possible to be a good person, have a fulfilling interpersonal life and cultivate “orgiastic hedonism”? I just started enjoying it some months ago and I have never been happier in my life… do you have any caveat? Have you seen people live this way to a healthy and peaceful old age?
Well said all-around- I'm afraid these are reminders that will need to be repeated for some time to come. All five of these could be seductive pitfalls, for different reasons.
#1 is the dumbest, but probably also the most common to pull as a weak justification. Or maybe not- but we all love an excuse that explains away our bad behavior.
Thank you for this! I loved, loved your book and told everyone about it, and I 100% agree with what you said there. I also didn't take it to mean everyone should suddenly go out and be non-monogamous. For me, that arrangement would work better in a culture that was set up quite differently from ours. As it is, I can barely handle one person, and at the age of 62 I'm not really up for seeking out anything else (though I had varied experiences when I was younger, so that helps). At the same time, if others want to, great! As long as everyone is honest and consenting. I just think non-monogamy would, in general, work better if we lived in some of the cultures you described that are better set up for it. Honestly, so much about the way we live is unnatural, and being monogamous is just part of that. For one thing, we're meant to have much more community than most of us have in modern American culture.
"No relationship configuration is inherently better than any other"
What about from the perspective of the child? Is it better to have one man who believes he's your dad, or six men who think they might be? Is paternal certainty harmful for kids? Does monogamy make paternal certainty more likely? Surely yes.
See SaD chapter six "Who's Your Daddies" lol
Did the combined families/finances thing for a year. The remarks about needed communications increases are spot on, as are the rest. The other guy went crazy due to mom issues. The five of us split for Buffalo. Community is difficult.
I agree with Chris' point that non-monogamy shouldn't be preached in an unsolicited way and shouldn't be used as an excuse for unethical and de-humanizing behaviors but I think he goes too far in implying that monogamy is just as valid as polygamy.
First of all, whatever unethical stances and problems happen in the poly community pale in comparison to the abuse and toxicity typical of monogamous relationships. We shouldn't be forgetting that femicides almost always occur in the context of monogamous relationships and monogamous values. Is this undeniable connection an accident? Hardly.
Monogamy as it really exists (not in its idealized unicorn version that people like marriage coaches and the Gottmans are trying to sell) is seriously harmful and degrading for all sexes on many levels and we should stop mincing words when it comes to defending polyamory.
No, monogamy is by no means just as valid as non-monogamy. Polyamory is inherently superior to monogamy because it's what natural selection designed our psychology and physiology for. Hence, it is hands-down the mating pattern most conducive to individual human happiness and flourishing. The reason most people prefer monogamy is because they've been socialized to prefer it by our culture. Most of our preferences have cultural origins and our mating patterns are no exception.
Likewise, living in a society that's more egalitarian is inherently superior to living in a society that's less egalitarian because humans tend to flourish better in a social environment that prioritizes their care and support. The reason most people still reject egalitarian values is because they have been socialized to think and behave in ways that reinforce the existing power and property relations.
Another couple of things it isn’t:
It isn’t a “dysfunction”. This is obviously directed to the crowd who is not ENM, but I think an important note. There is not something wrong with me, my non-monogamy isn’t a response to my childhood, etc. - it is a very conscious decision requiring me to be conscientious about my partners, and while I do know many ENM people that have struggled with relationships, it is the same way monogamous people struggle: our own internal bullshit butting up against other people’s internal bullshit. There is no dysfunction associated with non-monogamy as a chosen relationship style, in itself.
It is also not a panacea to other things that we need to work personally on regarding relationships and mental health at large. As Chris mentioned, it does not “fix” anything about a relationship that is struggling for any number of reasons. It also is not the key/answer if you are struggling to find a relationship as an individual, and seeking the key to success. It’s an option. And it’s an opportunity to discover things about yourself, but not THE answer to other things in life. You are not more evolved if you are in the ENM lifestyle, as Chris said, and it will not in itself cause you to be more enlightened any more than a week at a monastery. It’s just one more option, one more experience, one more way of being.
Also, it’s something to be clear about from the get, with any potential romantic partner, even if you yourself are not sure about where you stand with it. Especially if you aren’t sure, actually. The reason for this is because clarity and honesty is the only frame that we should operate from, both from a conscientious perspective to others, as well as for our own good. If you think you might be into non-monogamy, be up front with your potential long-term love interests. Even if they decline to continue, it’s the right thing in the long run, for both of you.
Hi Chris, can you speak on how people in open relationships can deepen intimacy between themselves and their partners? I’m in a long term relationship and recently started seeing someone else. I want to continue getting closer to my long term partner. We agree to tell each other the truth as far as we can see it and don’t have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy.
I need to print out this list, roll it up, and whack alot of people over the head with it!
I've literally chosen monogamy due to issues within the seattle "poly" scene....it's so frustratingly unhealthy & I just couldn't anymore. Unfortunately, this choice stifles my own needs and monogamous guys usually have very little understanding (despite any efforts) of what it truly means to be poly, so I keep it to myself & my little poly heart just cries on the inside. -sigh-
THANK YOU for this. I have been that very unicorn caught in the middle deceitful couples. I have witnessed many dysfunctional relationships implode upon themselves, when they tried to save it with swinging. I have also been subject (notice how I did not use the word 'victim') to a great deal of sexual harassment in the world of non-monogamy. Many people who enter the "Lifestyle", as it's often called, turn out to either sexual predators, or just selfish people (mostly men) who want to have their cake and eat it too, along with everyone elses', without permission or consequence.
Despite all this, I do not frown on non-monogamy. When there is honesty, respect, and mutual consent, it's wonderful. My initial experiences were beyond liberating. However, when I began to experience more uncomfortable encounters, harassment, aggression, and outright sexual assault (from both men AND women) I had to get away. I was traumatized by it. And my leaving that world cost me virtually every friendship that I had cultivated within it. When I stopped attending swinger parties and events, people stopped calling. Some friends.
But, as an old Joan Jett song goes, "You don't lose when you lose fake friends"
Props to those who can live in healthy non monogamy.
Tragicomical how this book can be misread.
Loved to see “orgiastic hedonism” as a possible way to arrange relationships promote growth, respect and dignity for everyone involved (albeit not superior to any). Jokes apart.. I hope it wasn’t a hyperbole! Is it possible to be a good person, have a fulfilling interpersonal life and cultivate “orgiastic hedonism”? I just started enjoying it some months ago and I have never been happier in my life… do you have any caveat? Have you seen people live this way to a healthy and peaceful old age?
Well said all-around- I'm afraid these are reminders that will need to be repeated for some time to come. All five of these could be seductive pitfalls, for different reasons.
#1 is the dumbest, but probably also the most common to pull as a weak justification. Or maybe not- but we all love an excuse that explains away our bad behavior.