A Few Things Non-Monogamy is Not

Since I’m “the Sex at Dawn guy,” people often assume I’m an expert on non-traditional relationship dynamics. Whether that’s true or not, my friends will tell you that I’m entirely capable of casually tossing an anecdote about primate penis morphology into any conversation — often with devastatingly awkward results. In any case, given the rapidly increasing popularity of what people are calling “ethical non-monogamy,” (ENM), I thought I’d share a few thoughts about mistakes I see people making in this area. So here’s a partial list of what, in my opinion, ENM is not:

1. A license to lie to yourself or others. This one pisses me off because I’ve heard from countless people (mostly women) that their partner cheated on them and then held up their copy of Sex at Dawn as an excuse: “It’s not my fault, baby. This book proves that monogamy isn’t natural!” Bullshit. While we argued in Sex at Dawn that our species is clearly not sexually monogamous by nature, this doesn’t mean that lying to someone who trusts you is any less despicable. In Sex at Dawn, Cacilda and I were arguing for honesty and understanding, not for selfishness or deceit.

2. A way to save a dying relationship. Things feeling a bit stale and repetitive? Unresolved issues with your partner? Finding it difficult to keep avoiding that unavoidable conflict? It happens. But bringing someone else into the relationship to spice it up is precisely the worst possible move for everyone involved.

   The last thing you need is more distraction. You need to be facing what’s going on, not finding new ways to ignore it. And the last thing the other person needs is to get sucked into the quicksand of an unhappy, dysfunctional dynamic. Look for a good therapist, not a unicorn.

3. A superior relationship style. So you’re poly. You live in Portland (or Austin, or Sedona, or Seattle). You drink shade-grown, hand-picked, sustainably-packaged coffee that’s locally roasted by a guy named Iván (pronounced: eeVAN, not Ivan) who has pierced eyebrows and an ironically waxed mustache. Cool. But take it from “the Sex at Dawn guy,” when I say you’re no better than anyone else, and your holier-than-thou vibe is fucking annoying. Stop trying to push people into non-monogamy by insinuating that they’re less evolved if they’re not into it. The “right” ways to arrange relationships promote growth, respect and dignity for everyone involved. That can take many shapes, ranging from orgiastic hedonism to straight-up monogamy. No relationship configuration is inherently better than any other, as long as everyone is where they want to be. So get off your polyamory high horse before you get thrown and trampled.

4. A path to or expression of enlightenment. (See #3.) Honesty is the path to wisdom. As Shakespeare put it long ago:

   This above all: to thine own self be true,

   And it must follow, as the night the day,

   Thou canst not then be false to any man (or woman).

5. A way to simplify your life or a way to avoid communication. Folks who think non-monogamy will make things simpler are probably thinking they can get away from difficult conversations if things just shift into a more sexual, less intimate vibe. But that’s not how it works. Whatever form of non-monogamy you’re going to get into, it’s going to require MORE, not less communication. Even if you’re intentionally avoiding intimacy by just going to swinger’s parties with your partner with zero intention to develop friendships with the people you meet there, you’re going to have to go deeper with your partner in order to handle the jealousies, insecurities and other fears that will inevitably emerge. More people + more situations + more insecurities = more communication. There’s no way around it.

That’s enough from me, though I’m sure I’ll write about this again. I’d love to read your comments and other mistakes you think I should discuss in a future post.