A Few Things Non-Monogamy is Not
Since I’m “the Sex at Dawn guy,” people often assume I’m an expert on non-traditional relationship dynamics. Whether that’s true or not, my friends will tell you that I’m entirely capable of casually tossing an anecdote about primate penis morphology into any conversation — often with devastatingly awkward results. In any case, given the rapidly increasing popularity of what people are calling “ethical non-monogamy,” (ENM), I thought I’d share a few thoughts about mistakes I see people making in this area. So here’s a partial list of what, in my opinion, ENM is not:
A license to lie to yourself or others. This one pisses me off because I’ve heard from countless people (mostly women) that their partner cheated on them and then held up their copy of Sex at Dawn as an excuse: “It’s not my fault, baby. This book proves that monogamy isn’t natural!” Bullshit. While we argued in Sex at Dawn that our species is clearly not sexually monogamous by nature, this doesn’t mean that lying to someone who trusts you is any less despicable. In Sex at Dawn, Cacilda and I were arguing for honesty and understanding, not for selfishness or deceit.
A way to save a dying relationship. Things feeling a bit stale and repetitive? Unresolved issues with your partner? Finding it difficult to keep avoiding that unavoidable conflict? It happens. But bringing someone else into the relationship to spice it up is precisely the worst possible move for everyone involved.
The last thing you need is more distraction. You need to be facing what’s going on, not finding new ways to ignore it. And the last thing the other person needs is to get sucked into the quicksand of an unhappy, dysfunctional dynamic. Look for a good therapist, not a unicorn.
A superior relationship style. So you’re poly. You live in Portland (or Austin, or Sedona, or Seattle). You drink shade-grown, hand-picked, sustainably-packaged coffee that’s locally roasted by a guy named Iván (pronounced: eeVAN, not Ivan) who has pierced eyebrows and an ironically waxed mustache. Cool. But take it from “the Sex at Dawn guy,” when I say you’re no better than anyone else, and your holier-than-thou vibe is fucking annoying. Stop trying to push people into non-monogamy by insinuating that they’re less evolved if they’re not into it. The “right” ways to arrange relationships promote growth, respect and dignity for everyone involved. That can take many shapes, ranging from orgiastic hedonism to straight-up monogamy. No relationship configuration is inherently better than any other, as long as everyone is where they want to be. So get off your polyamory high horse before you get thrown and trampled.
A path to or expression of enlightenment. (See #3.) Honesty is the path to wisdom. As Shakespeare put it long ago:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man (or woman).
A way to simplify your life or a way to avoid communication. Folks who think non-monogamy will make things simpler are probably thinking they can get away from difficult conversations if things just shift into a more sexual, less intimate vibe. But that’s not how it works. Whatever form of non-monogamy you’re going to get into, it’s going to require MORE, not less communication. Even if you’re intentionally avoiding intimacy by just going to swinger’s parties with your partner with zero intention to develop friendships with the people you meet there, you’re going to have to go deeper with your partner in order to handle the jealousies, insecurities and other fears that will inevitably emerge. More people + more situations + more insecurities = more communication. There’s no way around it.
That’s enough from me, though I’m sure I’ll write about this again. I’d love to read your comments and other mistakes you think I should discuss in a future post.
THANK YOU for this. I have been that very unicorn caught in the middle deceitful couples. I have witnessed many dysfunctional relationships implode upon themselves, when they tried to save it with swinging. I have also been subject (notice how I did not use the word 'victim') to a great deal of sexual harassment in the world of non-monogamy. Many people who enter the "Lifestyle", as it's often called, turn out to either sexual predators, or just selfish people (mostly men) who want to have their cake and eat it too, along with everyone elses', without permission or consequence.
Despite all this, I do not frown on non-monogamy. When there is honesty, respect, and mutual consent, it's wonderful. My initial experiences were beyond liberating. However, when I began to experience more uncomfortable encounters, harassment, aggression, and outright sexual assault (from both men AND women) I had to get away. I was traumatized by it. And my leaving that world cost me virtually every friendship that I had cultivated within it. When I stopped attending swinger parties and events, people stopped calling. Some friends.
But, as an old Joan Jett song goes, "You don't lose when you lose fake friends"
Props to those who can live in healthy non monogamy.
Another couple of things it isn’t:
It isn’t a “dysfunction”. This is obviously directed to the crowd who is not ENM, but I think an important note. There is not something wrong with me, my non-monogamy isn’t a response to my childhood, etc. - it is a very conscious decision requiring me to be conscientious about my partners, and while I do know many ENM people that have struggled with relationships, it is the same way monogamous people struggle: our own internal bullshit butting up against other people’s internal bullshit. There is no dysfunction associated with non-monogamy as a chosen relationship style, in itself.
It is also not a panacea to other things that we need to work personally on regarding relationships and mental health at large. As Chris mentioned, it does not “fix” anything about a relationship that is struggling for any number of reasons. It also is not the key/answer if you are struggling to find a relationship as an individual, and seeking the key to success. It’s an option. And it’s an opportunity to discover things about yourself, but not THE answer to other things in life. You are not more evolved if you are in the ENM lifestyle, as Chris said, and it will not in itself cause you to be more enlightened any more than a week at a monastery. It’s just one more option, one more experience, one more way of being.
Also, it’s something to be clear about from the get, with any potential romantic partner, even if you yourself are not sure about where you stand with it. Especially if you aren’t sure, actually. The reason for this is because clarity and honesty is the only frame that we should operate from, both from a conscientious perspective to others, as well as for our own good. If you think you might be into non-monogamy, be up front with your potential long-term love interests. Even if they decline to continue, it’s the right thing in the long run, for both of you.