28 Comments
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Astrid Case's avatar

Ok! I am not a dude, stupid!

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Carol Saint Martin's avatar

Fascinating read, thank you.

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Midwest Timecapsules's avatar

As a closet straight man, I often fantasize about encountering a well hung muscular man at the gym shower. He’s shy and insecure as I stare at him and his piece. Although I am much weaker than him I forcefully convince him to stuff his member in my mouth. I’m not gay so I would never do that (not that there is anything wrong with that;) but just wondering if any other gay straight guys have similar thoughts.

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Astrid Case's avatar

Really? Get a man! Got get laid !

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Midwest Timecapsules's avatar

Dude, I’m proudly in the closet.

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Daymon Pascual's avatar

THIS! is one of the best things you've ever written and I love it and relate very much! I will forever now see myself as a Gay, Straight Man.

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Igor Pershin's avatar

Haha I have always had this feeling myself, after never having been into following sports of any kind, which seems to dominate typical 'bloke' (Aussie male) conversations here down under. I am also quite clean, tidy and orderly in my approach to many aspects in my life. I love dressing up in quite flamboyant costumes at parties and music festivals - all things generally associated with being gay. I could relate to the 'metrosexual' idea however that is no longer in vogue so I no longer have a home, which I am okay with. It takes all kinds.. right?

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Red Pill Junkie's avatar

Your post reminded me of the great Mexican comedian Mauricio Garcés, who used to call himself a "lesbiano." He even made a movie in the 60s about a fashion designer of women's clothing that had to pass as gay just to fit into the line of work he enjoyed doing.

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Astrid Case's avatar

Mauricio Garcés is an idiot

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Bowen Dwelle's avatar

Dude, I had TWO Elements—and my dad had one too! But I've owned an F250 and various dirt bikes. I'd say owning a van is a sign of "chaotic neutral"—my favorite D&D alignment—although my own sexuality is probably more like the "Pioneer" in Arthur's typology.

There's so much great writing out there about the multitudes of masculinity -- have you read Grayson Perry's The Descent of Man, for example? He's a very fabulous raging heterosexual of a motorcycle-riding, dress-wearing crossdresser → https://bookshop.org/a/96231/9780143131656

I too find nothing in common with the stereotypical football fan... my own pieces on this are "Less Warrior, More Clown" → https://bowendwelle.substack.com/p/less-warrior-more-clown

and Anxious Masculinity → https://bowendwelle.substack.com/p/anxious-masculinity-things-fall-apart

I used to love skateboarding through the Castro in my own, and Arthur's hometown of San Francisco, and getting catcalled by hungry gays from their balconies. I never took them up on it, but I did appreciate the invitations!

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Astrid Case's avatar

Fantastic recommendations!

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James's avatar

Great article and how utterly and profoundly human.

Our lives are endlessly fascinating in the myriad of ways that we see ourselves and others.

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BronxOwl's avatar

Great read with my morning cup of tea!

The drink still hot by the time I finished, with a great topic to ponder as I finished it off!

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Rodney Waters's avatar

I love that you wrote this and loathe that men’s reductive definitions made it necessary to write in the first place - that being a multifaceted man must be defended or explained.

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Flávio Gago Gomes's avatar

Great piece. I identify completely! Most of my close friends are women. It reminded me of an epiphany I had at college when I realized that my lesbian friend was the only person I knew that was attracted to women the same way I did.

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Jess Merrick's avatar

This worldview seems very reliant on stereotypes and a desire to "categorize" yourself.

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Astrid Case's avatar

Either you are a man or a woman. Correct? Are we going to start with bullshit again? I am neither x nor y ???? Is this a high school board ?

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jdt2003's avatar

Mind blown from titillating article title through to Emerson's Circles. We'll all have this on our minds for our lifetimes. Thank you Doctopher.

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Ype van der Heide's avatar

What a terrific morning read, have a nice day you all.

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Ryan McConnell's avatar

I appreciate you coming forward with this piece — it resonated deeply with me as a straight man in his early 30s living in Portland and navigating similar questions around identity and sexuality. That said, I did sit through Hamilton last week and thought it was incredible! :)

As you touched on in one of your recent podcast interviews, we’re in an era where finding meaningful mentorship or guidance around masculine development feels increasingly rare for young men. A month ago, my friend group organized a guys’ night while the women had a separate Galentine’s gathering. Around 30 of us showed up, and we split into smaller groups of 5–6 men with prompts to explore questions like: What does masculinity mean to you? How do you feel about your sex life? What are your deeper ambitions and goals?

What followed were some of the most open, vulnerable conversations I’ve ever had with other men. What stood out to me most was that, despite our differences, nearly all of us were struggling to understand what positive masculinity actually looks like. It’s not that anyone was against masculinity but we all felt like we didn’t quite fit that traditional “man’s man” mold. Voicing our misalignment with traditional masculinity not only made me reflect on what might be missing from my life but also reminded me that I’m not alone in navigating this journey (and that it is comforting when men to open up to other men).

Thanks for all you do!

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Chris's avatar

I completely identify with this idea of gay hetero man. I’ve never been able to interest myself in the typical “man card” games, and I too prefer the company of women in general and men who are able to have deep meaningful conversations. Fortunately I have male friends like that, as well as many purely platonic female friends. As far as musicals, it kinda depends on the musical (The Book of Mormon is pure genius).

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Astrid Case's avatar

What the hell is the typical man card???? In relation to meaningful conversations ? Platonic females? I love testosterone... lots I can introduce you to some and they may have meaningful conversations. I don't understand .... 😆

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