As a follow-up to my recent post about some things ethical non-monogamy is not, I thought it might be fun to consider some things ENM can be, in the best of circumstances. In light of the volume and vehemence of the feedback my first post received, it seems this is an issue folks are interested in, so maybe this will be an on-going series. For the purposes of these posts, I’m envisioning the most common context for ENM, which is a primary couple who decide to “open things up.” So without further ado, here’s a partial list of some things ENM can offer, in the right context:
An opportunity to acknowledge and honor the realities of our partner’s sexuality and attractiveness.
I remember a scene that took place in a hotel lobby in Sydney, Australia when I was on a Sex at Dawn book tour years ago. I was waiting for a journalist to arrive for an interview. A beautiful woman walked into the room and for a fleeting instant I thought she might be the journalist looking for me, but alas, she walked right past me toward the elevator bank. As I watched her walk by, I noticed a couple on the other side of the room who were caught up in a strange dance of denial. He was pretending not to notice the beauty. His partner was pretending not to notice that he was pretending not to notice the beauty. He was pretending not to notice that she was pretending not to notice that…. You get the idea. What a waste of energy! And what’s the issue? Do we expect our partners to pretend not to notice all forms of beauty on behalf of our fragile ego — or just human beauty? Are rainbows and sunsets off limits, too? How much better (and easier) it would have been for the couple to have enjoyed the moment together, rather than let it separate them.
Much of the confusion and suffering in our intimate relationships is generated by an impossible demand that we make of each other: I want you to burn with desire for me, but not even notice anybody else! Or, conversely, I want you to be sexy and attractive for me, but if anyone else notices, I’ll be jealous. That’s not how desire works. Of course we can choose to only act on our desire with specific people, but the reality is that desire, charisma and beauty are like fire, throwing heat and light in many directions. Perhaps counter-intuitively, an open acknowledgment of the non-exclusivity of your partner’s desire, and celebration of his/her attractiveness, is more likely to strengthen your relationship than to weaken it, as many fear. After all, what are we saying? “I recognize that you are a beautiful person, that you are a sexual being who notices others and is noticed by them, and I have the self-confidence to know that our relationship is based on much more than animal desire.” Put that on a Valentine’s Day card!
A chance to confront, explore, and possibly overcome our own insecurities.
We don’t overcome our fears by denying their existence or attempting to eliminate anything that could trigger them. The world is full of attractive people. Your partner is going to notice them. You’re going to notice them. Are some of them more attractive than you? Yes. Does that mean your partner is scheming to leave you because you are not the MOST ATTRACTIVE PERSON HE/SHE HAS EVER SEEN? Probably not, and if so, you’d be better off without them. Any relationship worth keeping is based on a lot more than mutual attraction. Love, trust, laughter, shared history, future plans, family entanglements, children, friends, community…. Cultivate these connections, and relax about the fact that her co-worker is a good-looking dude. Give her reason to add “unthreatened by other people” to the list of things she loves and admires about you.
An opportunity to “travel” with our partner.
Long term relationships can get stale because we slip into routine and lose sight of each other. Sometimes, seeing our partner through the eyes of another can remind us of what we used to see, before our vision became clouded by familiarity and the dailiness of life. Seeing our partner as a whole person, separate from the context we share, can be terrifying, but also illuminating. After all, this is truth. We may share a lot, but ultimately, “we live, as we dream, alone,” as Kurtz puts it in The Heart of Darknesss. There are parts of your partner’s experience you will never share. Learn to celebrate and honor those privacies, and you’ll both be happier and more relaxed.
A Few Things Ethical Non-Monogamy Can Be