A Few More Things Ethical Non-Monogamy Is Not

I forget the name of the show, but seeing Aubrey Plaza holding Sex at Dawn was definitely a thrill.

Way back in April, when we were young(er), innocent(er), and not thinking about why J.D. Vance hates people without kids, I posted some thoughts on popular misconceptions of ethical non-monogamy that went semi-viral. So I guess there’s some interest in this topic.

They say you can’t prove a negative, but I find it easier to talk about what ENM isn’t than what it is (though I’ve given that a shot as well). I suppose I find it easier to focus on wrong paths because there are so many right paths. People can find any number of ways to be authentic and transparent with each other, and the mistakes generally all stray from those foundational principles. So let’s look at a few unfortunately common examples of approaches to ENM that are destined to lead to problems for one and all.

A no-strings-attached way to have lots of sex with lots of people.

Since human beings are among the most libidinous of all mammals, and modern humans tend to be deeply sexually frustrated, it’s natural for us to conceive of things in terms of sex, to the exclusion of nuance, context, and all the non-sexual aspects of relationships. While it’s true that some forms of ENM can be primarily sexual (swinger’s parties come to mind), most practitioners of ENM are looking for deeper connections than stranger-fucking. That requires honesty, vulnerability, lots of open communication, respect for the feelings and boundaries of one’s partners, and so on. Far from being a no-strings-attached approach to relationships, ENM can often involve lots of strings. Intertwined strings. So many strings.

To the extent that the strings attached to sexual interaction represent intimacy, the strings may actually be the primary purpose of human sexuality. There’s a book about that (and I hear Aubrey Plaza loved it!)

A way to avoid intimacy and/or lessen the pain of loss.

Similarly, ENM doesn’t work as a back up plan for a shaky primary relationship. I remember a guy who was living with two women. He thought he had it made. He said, “I figured that if my girlfriend broke up with me, I’d still have the other woman.” Turns out, the women didn’t see it the same way. Much to his chagrin, the two women fell in love with each other and left him high and dry. Maybe they got tired of being thought of as insurance policies.

A way to steal someone else's partner.

Finite and Infinite Games is a wonderful book I often recommend to people who are thinking seriously about relationships. The author, a philosopher, summarizes his thesis by pointing out that, “There are at least two kinds of games. One could be called finite; the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.”

A healthy relationship must always be an infinite game. You can’t win a relationship! In fact, if you “win,” you’ve lost, because the relationship is over. So if you find yourself developing intimacy with someone else’s partner, the point is never to make them doubt their primary partnership or to choose you over someone else. Learning to recognize the many ways in which our ego tries to destroy delicate, living relationships by “winning” is one of the greatest learning opportunities ENM can offer. The point is to extend the play for everyone by generating more desire, more respect, more love. The point is to continue the play, not to lose by winning.