Things that Chap My Ass (Part 1 of ∞)

Caution: Mature Language and Themes.

I’ve been a grumpy young man, a grumpy middle-aged man, and I guess I’m pretty well into the grumpy old man zone by now, and I’m gonna let that fury flag fly. So without further fucking ado, here are some things I find annoying. Enjoy. Or don’t. I don’t give a shit.

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Mistaking one’s culinary preference for correctness in food matters.

I was at a dinner party not so long ago and the host asked me how I liked my steak. When I said, “medium-well,” an embarrassed hush settled over the room, at which point, the matriarch of the family said, “Anyone who doesn’t eat steak as rare as possible was simply raised wrong.” She said this with the slightest possible hint of humor. Just enough to stop me from replying, “Fuck you, old lady!”

You hear them all the time, these people who think their way is the right way:

“Beans in chili? No bueno!”

“Red wine with fish? Were you raised by wolves?”

“A martini should be nothing but vodka that a vermouth bottle was waved over.”

They think they’re clever. I think they’re assholes.

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“Breaking News.”

Hey network news dipshits. You can’t start every damned broadcast breathlessly declaring that you’re about to bring me “breaking news.” If your news is always breaking, it doesn’t mean anything, does it? Just tell me the fucking news. I don’t need the hyperventilating, like you’ve just run into the studio to report the latest, breakingest take on some meaningless shit that’s been happening for days.