Is the Iceman a Nice Man?

Should we care?

A number of you have asked me to comment on a recent exposé in the Dutch publication de Volkskrant that features allegations of physical and psychological abuse from Wim Hof’s ex-partner and their now-adult son. The Hof family’s response is here. I’ll discuss it at more length in a podcast, but for now, here are some of my thoughts.

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Wim Hof called me a motherfucker!

Of course he did. Wim Hof has called many people motherfuckers. After all, it’s part of his schtick to yell, “Breathe motherfucker!” when his students lower themselves into the ice baths he’s made famous from Hollywood to Bollywood. Hof’s unbridled, uncouth energy is a big part of his Wimsomeness. If you’ve subjected yourself to the Wim Hof experience and he didn’t scream that borderline offensive encouragement at you, you’re probably a bit disappointed.

Cards on the table: I’ve known Wim and two of his kids (Enahm and Isa) for years, since back when he was still unfamous enough to do my little podcast. We’ve hung out together in Holland, Spain, California, and on a bizarre cruise ship experience the night Trump was elected in 2016. I’ve even spent several very long minutes in Wim’s personal ice barrel. I’m not an unbiased observer of the Hofs. Quite the contrary: I think they’re wonderful people.

Still, there’s no getting around the fact that the article paints a damning portrait of a man causing significant suffering to his ex and their son a decade ago. After reading it, I grapple with two questions: Is it true? and Does it matter?

Is it true?

I’ve been in enough relationships to know that nobody outside the relationship really understands what’s going on inside the relationship — and often, far too often, even they aren’t so sure what’s happening. A relationship is like a third person in the room, whom neither partner controls. In “Tunnel of Love,” written about the dissolution of his marriage, Springsteen sings:

“Then the lights go out and it’s just the three of us: you, me, and all that stuff we’re so scared of.”

If you know anything about Wim’s life, you know he’s got plenty of stuff to be scared of, including the suicide of his first wife, leaving him to grieve with four young children desperately in need of support. A wounded soul is drawn to other wounded souls, so it’s not surprising that Wim soon found himself in a tumultuous relationship with a woman facing her own demons.

Long before any of this became public, I’d heard about how difficult Wim’s relationship with this woman, Caroline, had been. It sounded like the classic situation in which the step-parent treats the step-kids with contempt and resentment, making it clear that their very existence is, at best, a nuisance. I remember one conversation in particular, when Enahm was telling me about some of the challenges he and his siblings faced in those days, when his father was too consumed by his own grief and relationship drama to be very present for his kids. I felt the injustice and pain this would surely cause for kids in their situation, and said something like, “Man, you must hold a lot of anger over all that.” But Enahm reminded me that everyone involved was suffering and lost, and in light of that, he felt no blame or anger toward anyone. Looking in his eyes, I saw compassion and sadness and a very expensive sort of wisdom.

Are the accusations true? I don’t know, and beyond that, I don’t have any idea how to judge them even if they are, strictly speaking “true.” In other words, I don’t know the context. I don’t know to what extent the abuse went in both directions and thus if Wim’s alleged behavior was in reaction to provocations unmentioned in the article. The older I get, the more I see of the suffering people are facing, the less I feel able to judge anyone for almost anything. Abuse doesn’t originate in a person. It gets passed back and forth and handed down the generations.

Which brings me to the more important question:

Does it matter?

For me, whether private matters are relevant largely comes down to hypocrisy. If someone is presenting themselves as an expert on health and sexuality but lies to their partners and hides bottles of vodka in the garage, then yeah, fuck that person. If a self-proclaimed guru is selling a completely made-up “yogic technology” as an ancient discipline and using it as a way to sexually abuse children, he should be exposed and ridiculed at a minimum. A former congressman who secretly uses illegal drugs and has sex with underage girls probably shouldn’t be Attorney General. If Wim had never jumped in the ice-water, and just stood there in his down parka and Uggs sipping a hot cocoa while his students took the plunge … then that would be some bullshit. If you’ve got an exposé showing that Wim faked his barefoot marathons and Kilimanjaro climbs and that the data from his physiological experiments isn’t legit, then I’m all ears. But whether or not Wim may have acted like an asshole with an ex over a decade ago really has nothing to do with what he’s sharing with the world. To my knowledge, Wim has never presented himself an any kind of authority on maintaining harmonious relationships, so none of this is relevant to the legitimacy of his teachings.

While we’re on it, what do the unproven accusations from an angry ex have to do with Woody Allen’s skills as a filmmaker? If Hillary didn’t care to comment publicly, why should anyone else have cared if Bill Clinton got an occasional blowjob in the White House? Did Russell Brand ever pretend to be anything other than a womanizing cad? Should we stop reading and admiring the novels of Cormac McCarthy because he loved a 17 year-old girl when he was in his 40s — and kept loving her for another 47 years? Is Kevin Spacey a less brilliant actor in light of the unproven charges against him? Love em or hate em, isn’t it well past time we judged people within the context of their own claims?